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she seems to not really listen she turned I think air off again from coming on so guess hot again tonight. I don't understand over and over God why I'm still here and I don't want to be here either and fact that she used loneliness and pretty blaming on me cause I was gone thinking staying at hotels was going to help me it started that it wasn't I had no money left no nothing and I cried out to God and he told me to come back here but realizing too that this isnt doing much for me either except in my room and watching TV and movies seem to be best with me but the lies the will that was changed several times the emptyness the pain the fake seems and pretending and faking actions seems like of caring when she caused the 2 months of homeless and what I went through during those times and just wanting to die but God always was there for me always and that I'll never forget and fact he said me from abusive relationships I was in and when I would feel like a mistake only he showed me I'm not. I know God loves everyone that believes him and helps them and I know he helped my mom's brother but he also saw him as not being a good kind person he having words with me cause he saw that I was really struggling with pain in my heart and breathing heavily and redness and some shaking doing what he was saying to me and being cruel and apology was I see now not for real it was fake too cause that's what they show they act and they do and judging someone like myself and condeming me to make themselves feel better and bring someone so down that they can't come out of it or try to make them react but I'm done with all that I've cried and all enough I'm so numb now I just want to be left alone in peace away from pain hurt suffering in peace and able to die on my own terms not by being out homeless or at a hotel just in my room by myself from dealing with wills finances a home to be in shelter in case my mom passes before me she keeps saying it's ok you will get house it's yours as much as it is hers especially my room is my room, but after what has happened the mistake and misunderstanding that iwishi could go back and change that I would have never done that but is what it is I think things were changed deep in my heart my gut and instinct and soul is telling me that it is changed and if I get anything it is the life insurance the maybe it's a maybe this house and definitely the little house I would have to fix it up more. but the ML account I just don't think so or not alot anyway I still don't know if she's going to nursing home I don't believe that's not guaranteed either I think if so she can I'll stay here and shut everything off and leave just power and water on or might everything and just stay with windows open until house is sold or when whoever gives money immediately after looking at it but hopefully I won't be alive still tp have to deal with all of the will stuff house so I'm not homeless again at an older age not sure how much social security I'll get haven't worked since 2019 or do I have to break. down and try to get a job or several ones that would hire someone without a car. so who knows u turn it all over to God and hopefully with the illnesses I suffer every day and night from I would go and mentally bad too
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