I can't eat I can't barely sleep I just want the Odie it for some reason I don't know why I have to still be alive why everything I've tried isn't working I'm hurting inside very badly and it isn't better the suffering the agony and the afraid of homeless again I don't want to have to go through it again. just let me die in peace in my room with my koala bear stuffed animal always with me and I saw ird yesterday always coming to see me sits there and looks at me from deck and the black and yellow butterfly they would come to me several times close to my window I don't know who it was or what they were trying to say to me I just know it's hard continuing to hang in there that I am constantly being lied to sneaky behaviors please God I really need you so much you keep me alive and why do you when I keep having to suffer and I don't know what to do anymore it's like I look at my life and it just feels like a black hole that gets worse and worse and worse and doesn't seem to stop or go away when this so called mother doesn't care that if I'm dead in here or anything that I should be some way that she wants when I can't I'm trying to survive cause for some reason God wants me to but I don't have the answer why. I don't want any of that to be left to me it's been a punishment in my mind and head that I don't deserve it maybe I deserve still nothing I keep asking why am I still alive and why is she to alive it's not for each other I keep asking over and over why God why you say I'm not a mistake and you don't do mistakes ever then why do I feel this all time suffering pain where I don't want to move or live that I am judged and condemned and called names like unstable it hurts and it stings when I see I wake up I don't want to wake up and deal with another day or night or whatever she would only ask if I'm ok cause she doesn't want to deal with my dead body in bed or hanging .it is time for me to let it go what she says does or who she decides to put the inheritance to just live here till she dies or I die or nursing home I can't control how someone like her is and treats i have to just do what God i guess wants me to since he isl stopping me from actually dying and I don't know why

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